My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
Randomize
