You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
Randomize
