oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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