I think it's just because she's got "I'll sleep with anyone with a decent car" written all over her face.
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
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