Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
Never go drinking with anime club. End of story.
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
How can i make it up 2 u?
DREW I AM SMOKING POT AND FUCKING. WE CANNOT DISCUSS THIS AT THIS PARTICULAR JUNCTURE.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
