remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
I am actually offended he hasn't asked me to sleep with him yet to get better grades...I wanted the whole college experience.
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
Pants are for mortals
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
Randomize
