just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
I want to be your penis for a week.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
Randomize
