I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
Let's just say after this weekend I'm known as Shameous the Irish bar fighter.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
