I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
sometimes i wish i had a whole other life to spend on youtube
Kind of a slow process. Played 9 holes with her yesterday. Wish one of them was hers
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Randomize
