Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
I think my vagina is phsycic. All day it tingled and then BAM Channing Tatums look alike fucks me like ive never been fucked in my life.
Miscalculate d the jungle juice, it's actually 10%. Can't taste the diff anyway but my stomcha is warm. Come play pongm.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
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