we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
Randomize
