I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
Randomize
