According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
Randomize
