when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
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