After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
I would never do this in real life. It's only college.
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
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