He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
White boys cant dance....we did an empirical study
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
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