what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
