we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
