dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
What can i say im a girl who smells like weiners.
Just got my econometrics book in the mail and started flipping through it. Our Thursday parties may turn into u convincing me not to kill myself.
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
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