when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
