Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
Randomize
