Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
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