Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
Randomize
