and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize
