The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
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