I murdered the dance floor call the cops
Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
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