dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
Randomize
