doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
Randomize
