He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Randomize
