so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
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