just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
