Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
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