I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
What do you think she thinks of us?
I think she thinks we're whores... but ya I think she likes us
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
Bring me that man meat
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
Randomize
