dude on moped wearing crocs...somebody get this guy his man card back
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
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