I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
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