There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
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