I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
this is amzing! feels like my body is having sex with its surroundings!
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
It's weekends like this that make it obvious why we have to pay to come to college.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
Randomize
