she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
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