It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
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