My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
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