You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
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