Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Randomize
