if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
if he wont fuck me on the stairamster then i dont think theres much XXX shit going down
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
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