what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
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