Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
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