the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
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