just by requesting 'I think we're alone now', not only did you achieve emptying the bar, but you also rubbed it in the owners face.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
BRING THE BAGELS
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
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