my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
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