I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize