She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
