can we please move this conversation out of my vagina?
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
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