Hello, balls-out mistake. It's been a while.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
Randomize
