Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
You know you love balls. Don't act all "I-Don't-Love-Balls-ish"
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
I was not drunk enough for that final.
Randomize
