Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
Randomize
