would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
Randomize
