it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
