I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
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