Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
Randomize
